Teledildonics - The Next Generation

As you all know by now, I live in a remote part of the planet, with my only connection to the rest of the world being a virtual one, through telephones, television and the Internet all delivered by satellite.

So imagine my keen interest when I discovered the world of teledildonics - remote sexual stimulation of another person via mechanical apparati activated by signals sent via TCP/IP. For example, there is now a vibrator which plugs into a USB port so that, presumably, speed, intensity and other parameters of sexual excitation can be directed by anyone connected to the computer.

Although the term was minted by either Ted Nelson in the '80s or Howard Rheingold in the '90s, the technology is still in its infancy. It is also still quite grotesque in its industrial design. But the idea being able to transmit palpable physical feelings to people thousands of miles away has got me thinking of ways to transcend the merely sexual to more important uses.

Indeed I predict enhanced teledildonics will become the emoticons of the future. Just embed the links, and your reader will REALLY feel what you mean.

• deliver that "wake-up" call to assholes with a meaningful pimp slap
• solicit cash donations with repeated knees to their groin
• really give someone the cold sholder
• to convince someone of the wisdom of your point of view, you will be able to twist their arm
• why waste keystrokes when you flame when readers can feel the lashes of your hot tongue on appropriate parts of their anatomy?

I'm not pulling your leg. Any other suggestions?