Acorah-phobia

Each winter I while away my hibernation by watching a lot of television. Way too much television.

Lately I've taken perverse pleasure in watching Most Haunted, a bogus reality show where mediums, parapsychologists and the congenitally gullible hold "vigils" in the darkened rooms of supposedly ghost-ridden buildings. In particular I get a kick out of watching grown men and women scare the ectoplasm out of each other, what with all the rappings, light anomalies and cold spots.

Chief among my objects of scorn in this series is Derek Acorah, a charlatan of a medium if I ever saw one. Accompanied by his spirit guide Sam, Acorah does the initial "readings" of various locales within the designated castle/ruins/ancestral home; but if truth be told he does most of his readings from an annotated guide to Ghosts of Britain. Inevitably, the dialogue goes like this:

Acorah: I'm sensing a female presence here, a woman beguiled, definitely grounded here, not transiting. A confused lady, a lady most mislead. Sad, yes, sad.

Host: Derek, do you get a name?

Acorah: Wait a minute . . . Sam, what's her name? C'mon now Sam, give it to me. Sorry, all I get is the letter Y. Wait . . . what's that Sam? Vet? Oh, that's Y vette. Yvette.

Thrilling.

Now Acorah, not content with just one show on which to futile search for astral beings (we still haven't seen one ghost in three years), has his own show debuting (at least in Canada) on March 10. I can hardly wait.

But Derek, why stop at two shows? I'm sure your talents will be appreciated by these worthy colleagues.