Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The Ugly Face of Terrorism

They haven't released any photos of the 17 accused terrorists rounded up last weekend in and around Toronto. But I am willing to bet the igloo that not a single one of them could be deemed handsome in even the most liberal application of that term.

Take a look at pictures of any of the 9/11 terrorists, the guys behind the London bombings, even bin Laden himself, and you will quickly come to a conclusion that they're all butt-ugly. If any of these guys ever had a date she surely would have to have been blind or really into creeps.

Terrorism is one of the outcomes of a sexless existence - the others being the priesthood or NASCAR enthusiasts.

Sexual desires, once sublimated, remanifest themselves in twisted ways. The urge to bomb is an obvious transference of the need to ejaculate. Similarly, trying to fly an aircraft into a skyscraper's window has the same psychological significance as dreaming of a train going into a tunnel. Decapitation, the beheading of victims, is indicative of penis envy and a deep-seated desire to have others experience the same degree of emasculation as the terrorists do.

"Now wait a minute", I hear you saying, "What about female terrorists? Doesn't this mess up your theory?" Not at all, I think. Where girls and women are typically involved in terrorism is, as a rule, as suicide bombers - and were brainwashed into blowing themselves up inevitably by ugly men. This can be explained two ways: it is a proxy experience by men too cowardly to experience "release" themselves, and it is a form of retaliation against the gender whose lifelong rejection has created such personal misery.

So what counter-terrorism measures can we employ in light of my theory? Infanticide or exposure of ugly male offspring is simply out of the question. Asking some women to do the dirty deed with them of the good of all humanity is similarly too high a sacrifice.

I suggest we encourage potential terrorists to take matters into their own hand(s) at an early age and Masturbate for World Peace. "But wait a second," you say. "Isn't self-abuse against the tenets of every major world religion?" Yes, I concede, but so is mass murder and genocide. And I'm certain our creator will take this into consideration when weighing our misdeeds once we die.


Blogger Fuff said...

Interesting stuff, Nanuk. I'm starting to worry about you though.

9:47 AM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Fuff - no need to worry about me. Just start worrying about yourself if what I say starts to make sense ;-).

12:46 PM  
Blogger marty said...

If masturbation is a cure for terrorism, I will never ever in a million years be a terrorist.

I'm sure that puts many people's minds at ease (or maybe not).

3:30 PM  

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