Sunday, April 30, 2006

What's Your Sanity Quotient?

I've noticed that many blogs have the occasional quiz with catchy titles such as "What Kind of Drug Are You?" or "What Rejected Olympic Sport Would You Have Won Gold In?" or "Which Venereal Disease Are You?"

Curiously enough, I've been working on a quiz for many years as a quick tool to gauge relative sanity. This test works equally well on yourself as well as others, even complete strangers. This is important: who among us hasn't, say, been seated on a long flight next to someone who looks normal enough, but sometime between when the seatbelt light goes out and the drink cart starts to roll you sadly discover that you'll be elbow to elbow with Rush Limbaugh Jr. or Rosie O'Donnell for the next five hours? Forewarned is forearmed, I always say.

Here is a quick way to size up your own grip on reality as well as the relative mental stability of others. Since I don't possess SQL or PHP skills, I'll ask you to get your calculators out for this one.

Simply take the number of letters in your first name and divide by the number of letters in your surname.

If your result is:
One - you are most definitely obsessive-compulsive. Your parents' thing about symmetry has fucked you up permanently. Men should stop trying to piss the urinal mints into geometric shapes. Women of this sanity type tend to smile too much.

Even whole number - Bi-polar, but stuck at the depressed end of the scale because your family name is much shorter than your incredibly pretentious multi-syllable poly-hyphenated given name.

Odd whole number - Bi-polar, with huge swings not only in mood but political affiliation as well. The "Happy Trotskyite" phase of this disorder is particularly distressing.

Decimal (terminating) - Absolutely, completely, undisputably, categorically, undeniably, patently sane.

Decimal (repeating) - Persecution complex. You are overly protective of your genitals. Your best friend was someone called Walter Ego, but even he couldn't tolerate your whinging about how everyone has fucked you over.

Irrational Number - Relative mental stability, but addicted to pie. Narcissistic, with little to be narcissistic about.

No quotient because division by zero is not possible - Paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandure. Come on now, are you so famous that you think you can get away with only a first name, like Cher, Bono and Madonna? Get a freaking life, asshole! Even Jesus Christ has two names.

So, what is your sanity quotient?

17 Comments:

Blogger merlinprincesse said...

I'm sane...:( And I thought I was completely crazy! Is this REALLY scientific? Mwhahahaha! This is a real funny test! The best I've done!

10:22 AM  
Blogger marty said...

I'm not normal. Thi test fails.

10:37 AM  
Blogger fairscape said...

N

Have you taken the dante's inferno test? It tells you to which ring of hell you will be consigned.

How does your test work for women? Do they use their single or one of their married names? Or does one take some sort of average?

12:52 PM  
Blogger Fuff said...

I don't smile enough, so it must be wrong.

12:58 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

This is the first time anybody has ever called me sane... I'm not sure how I feel about that!

2:07 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I come up with zero. What does that mean?

5:18 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Ah, Rooftop Sniper, again...

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Nunya said...

Wait a minute...mints? When did they become mints? I thought they were cakes?! I prefer cakes to mints.

5:54 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

MerlinPrincesse: Just keep repeating "I'm sane, I'm sane, I'm sane . . . ."

Marty: Unless you use symbols such as "the accountant formally known as Marty" it's got to work.

Fairscape: maiden name yields the highest accuracy, according to our studies.

Fuff: We here at The White Bear's Blog stand behind our research and can stipulate this test is absolutely and utterly infallible. Nineteen times out of twenty.

Anna: Now that you know you are sane, feel the absolute rush of realizing everyone else is stark raving mad.

Mr. Fab.: You can't get zero unless you have no first name. In those rare instances, we suggest using the default first name Ephram.

TPK: Just stay away from the bell towers, please.

Nunya: Urinal cakes are so retro. Mints are more fun since you can roll them around with your pee into interesting patterns. Our male minds are always active and enquiring, even when taking a slash.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Tea and Books, etc said...

Um, it says I'm sane. That can't be right. But I like the simplicity yet complexity of this quiz. :-)

9:03 PM  
Blogger Fuff said...

So Nanuk, you didn't tell us what you were, or what drug, come to mention it. I, apparently, am cocaine.

7:17 AM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Fuff: I'm methamphetamine, apparently, though most people would describe me as akin to phenobarbitol.

7:22 AM  
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