What's Your Sanity Quotient?

I've noticed that many blogs have the occasional quiz with catchy titles such as "What Kind of Drug Are You?" or "What Rejected Olympic Sport Would You Have Won Gold In?" or "Which Venereal Disease Are You?"

Curiously enough, I've been working on a quiz for many years as a quick tool to gauge relative sanity. This test works equally well on yourself as well as others, even complete strangers. This is important: who among us hasn't, say, been seated on a long flight next to someone who looks normal enough, but sometime between when the seatbelt light goes out and the drink cart starts to roll you sadly discover that you'll be elbow to elbow with Rush Limbaugh Jr. or Rosie O'Donnell for the next five hours? Forewarned is forearmed, I always say.

Here is a quick way to size up your own grip on reality as well as the relative mental stability of others. Since I don't possess SQL or PHP skills, I'll ask you to get your calculators out for this one.

Simply take the number of letters in your first name and divide by the number of letters in your surname.

If your result is:

One - you are most definitely obsessive-compulsive. Your parents' thing about symmetry has fucked you up permanently. Men should stop trying to piss the urinal mints into geometric shapes. Women of this sanity type tend to smile too much.

Even whole number - Bi-polar, but stuck at the depressed end of the scale because your family name is much shorter than your incredibly pretentious multi-syllable poly-hyphenated given name.

Odd whole number - Bi-polar, with huge swings not only in mood but political affiliation as well. The "Happy Trotskyite" phase of this disorder is particularly distressing.

Decimal (terminating) - Absolutely, completely, undisputably, categorically, undeniably, patently sane.

Decimal (repeating) - Persecution complex. You are overly protective of your genitals. Your best friend was someone called Walter Ego, but even he couldn't tolerate your whinging about how everyone has fucked you over.

Irrational Number - Relative mental stability, but addicted to pie. Narcissistic, with little to be narcissistic about.

No quotient because division by zero is not possible - Paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandure. Come on now, are you so famous that you think you can get away with only a first name, like Cher, Bono and Madonna? Get a freaking life, asshole! Even Jesus Christ has two names.

So, what is your sanity quotient?