Friday, April 21, 2006

No Nookie - Just Hockey

Today is the start of the National Hockey League playoffs - a six week orgy of high intensity mayhem on ice culminating in the awarding of the oldest piece of sports hardware in North America, Lord Stanley's Cup, to whichever NHL hockey team manages to stave off elimination.

It is also the start of six week's of sexual abstinence throughout Canada and some parts (primarily blue states) of the United States. At this time of year, we men (and a growing number of women) have more important things to do than indulging our carnal instincts, at least those carnal instincts which don't involve drinking beer, high-fiving, farting, eating pizza and throwing things at the television set when our favourite team lets in a particularly soft goal.

I have the proof of the lack of sexual activity during this period:

[Graphic deleted may 5, 2006 at author's request. To see the chart, follow this link.]

Notice that February has the lowest birthrate in Canada of any month of the year. Now count out on your fingers the number of months between May (the month with the most playoff games) and February (the month with the lowest birthrate). The result is no coincidence.

Hockey is a game of extremes: speed, violence and artistry, all of which completely sap the last nanolitre of testosterone out of your system by the end of the game, which can often be a good five hours after the puck is initially dropped at centre ice. Couple this with the effect of swilling a dozen beers night after night, and the drop in the number of babies popping out in February is completely understandable.

Unlike football, (where the playoff games are on weekends), and baseball (which has a mercifully short playoff season), the NHL's annual quest for the cup runs night-after-night-after-glorious-night until the final championship round in June. Consequentially, hockey widows in Canada genuinely suffer much more than their counterparts in other sports. But their reward comes in spades in June, when the Stanley Cup is finally awarded and our libidos return to normal functioning.

Again, it is no coincidence that March, April and May have Canada's highest birth rates.

Go, Habs, Go!


Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

Or it could be that us womenfolk prefer to have babies in the spring...

How are the Habs doing, by the way?

2:52 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

WoD: Mes amours sont là and into the playoffs. What's happening with the St. John's Maple Leafs?

4:46 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

The dentists love hockey season too - lots of teeth to replace...

5:57 PM  
Blogger marty said...

We have hockey in new yawk. The Dolan family has done remarkably well destroying the Knicks basketball franchise this past year. Maybe they'll set their sights on the Rangers.

11:03 PM  
Blogger Tea and Books, etc said...

Wow, Nanuk. And again I say Wow.

Guess it's a good thing for I wasn't born in Canada since I likely wouldn't exist today. I'm a February baby.

1:24 PM  

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