Sunday, April 16, 2006

Jesus Saves - the Retail Sector

Last night I was reading the unlinkable The Bitch is Back, wherein NunyaBusiness* decried the crass commercialism surrounding Easter and the relatively lower billing Passover gets in the stores of America.

We are all aware how much retailers rely on Christmas to turn red ink into black, but surely not Easter, the most solemn and dignified of Christian holidays?

So I googled "Easter Sale" and came up with 2.9 million links. Thinking to refine the search parameters a tad more, I threw "Christian" into the mix and was shocked to find 44,400 sites, most of which are Christian on-line retailers, whoring the Easter celebration for all it's worth for Mammon's sake.

I was amused to learn I could buy Christian board games such as "Catholic-opoly", the object of which is "to build as many churches and cathedrals as possible in order to help spread the word of the Lord". Not that the Catholic Church can populate most of the churches it has now. Or how about "Mormon-opoly", which has a very similar goal, "to build as many chapels and stake centers as possible in order to help build the kingdom of God".

I'm not mocking anyone's religion or spiritual beliefs - I only despise hypocricy and greed.

But let's just imagine, for a moment, that Christmas and Easter have maxed out their retail potential. What other retail sales could adopt the mantle of Christianity and further propel the retail juggernaut? Here's a few suggestions:
  • Twelfth Night Midnight Madness Sale: Be a wise man! Our doors open at 10:00 PM. Prizes for the best magi costumes. Forget about the frankincense and myrrh, just bring your gold.
  • Palm Sunday Clearance: You'll be blown away by our popular line of Christian erotic toys at low, low discount prices.
  • 40 Days in the Wilderness Extravaganza: Wander over to our site, and take advantage of our devilishly low prices! You'll be tempted to shop for months.
  • Pentecost Fire Sale: You'll have no trouble understanding our great, great bargains. Go forth and spread the word.
  • Walking on Water Liquidation: All our swimwear must go. A great selection of thongs still available.
I want to conclude by saying that, as a Christian, my balls get in a twist whenever I see people manipulating spirituality for monetary gain. While Dante condemns hypocrits to the sixth ditch of the eight circle of Hell, I can only hope that they will experience a fiscal bankruptcy on a par with their moral one.

Actually, I retract that last comment. I just want to say that Christianity, in many of its colours, is in dire need of a vigourous reform movement or risk descending once again into the excesses of the mediaeval Catholic Church.

* BTW, NunyaBusiness, "Passover Sale" only yielded a paltry 662 sites on Google. I for one take my hat off the those of the Jewish persuasion for resisting mixing religion with mercantilism.


Blogger Fuff said...

Sickening isn't it? I still can't get my head around Easter eggs appearing on shelves on January 2nd. Catholic and Mormon - Opoly raised a giggle though. Happy Easter.

4:59 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

fuff: and Happy Easter to you, a week early, I believe?

5:40 PM  
Blogger Fuff said...

Thanks and yes. Same thing, different customs. I'm far more familiar with the Greek way, however. Next week's eggs will be hard boiled and red, not chocolate and foil coated.
Loads of tzatziki and lamb too!

7:06 PM  
Blogger Groove said...

Hey white Bear,
At least you have a choice now. In my grandparents day (They were Inuit), you had no choice. Except the white man's religion or they would not accept you. Something to think about?

11:32 PM  
Blogger Groove said...

Happy Easter!!

11:33 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Not a big surprise about passover, I mean what have the Jews got? For Hanukkah all they have is a crappy dredal, how many of those couldl you possibly want? Passover - maybe a bucket of synthetic lambs blood for painting the doorway or a fire proof umbrella for those flaming hailstones. Don't forget the frog repellent.

I suspect the Mormon game is more like risk, where you try to take over the world. Just proof Missourians are under achievers for the mormons to have gotten as far as they did.

Every Christian holiday is just an excuse to boost the bottom line. I am fed up with the whole concept..

12:47 AM  
Anonymous Nunya said...

The unlinkable, lol. You make me sound like The Unsinkable Molly Brown, heh.

I'm with Fuff...every year items for holidays keep getting put on the shelves earlier and earlier.

Phosgene that was a really stupid comment about Jews. Obviously I wouldn't be writing about Passover if I weren't Jewish. Keep your antisemitic comments to yourself, thanks.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Twisted balls...that sounds painful.

Good thing I'm not a Christian.

6:47 AM  
Blogger Tea and Books, etc said...

Forget the 'holy days' part of 'holidays'.

Holidays = time to generate moolah.

Might as well just call them 'moneydays' and be done with it. More honest that way.

9:02 PM  
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11:52 AM  

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