Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Anally Inventive

I usually troll the dark sites of the Internet looking for instructions for how to make zip guns, poison-injecting umbrellas, pipe bombs and thermite. I guess it makes me feel dangerous, manly, radical or something. It was during one of these research sessions that I recently discovered a how-to site outlining, in meticulous step-by-step pictorially documented precision, how to make a piece of shit using your USB port.

Now this is not to say that your computer actually crafts a pooey morsel from raw materials; however, the the shit my computer has been spewing lately on a daily basis leads me to believe mine has already developed that capacity. Rather, using an ersatz lump of crap purchased at any novelty store, it taps the computer's power supply via the USB port to create a dazzling, hundred points of light, glow in the dark fecal masterpiece.

While this site deals with the how, it doesn't delve into the why. Just what induces a mind to look at a piece of fake poo and think, hmmm . . . all this baby's missing is to drill it out, run a few dozen pieces of fibre-optic cable through it, add an LED and stick that mother into a computer?

Now we all know that Edison spent his formative years trying to invent a copper clad dog turd battery, and da Vinci's notebook has illustrated designs for a shit-firing cannon commissioned by the doge of Venice.

But the USB turd has no functionality that I can determine, unless I'm missing the point. So is this a case of art for art's sake, or can it actually be used for something? And for those of you with a more inventive mind than mine, can you think of ways to pimp it?


Blogger Fuff said...

It's only a matter of time before someone produces a USB memory stick that is the shape of a turd.

10:38 AM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Fuff: Good idea. You want to go halfers with me on the start-up?

12:10 PM  
Blogger Fuff said...

Hehe. Don't you think it's a shitty idea?

4:42 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Fuff: not really. The concept suits itself well to slogans such as "Store your shit on our shit", or something to that effect.

8:14 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

What a shitty idea. It doens;t make any noise!! You have to add a circuit that makes beeps a sqeeks and causes the leds to flash. Maybe it could play a sond like "The Poop Goes Marching Out" (the Iranian National Anthem, BTW) or something.

You could even turn it into a mouse cover and grab a piece of crap everytime you want to surf the net. Thousands of possibilities exist...

8:40 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Thanks, Phosgene. As soon as Fuff and I have floated our IPO we'll have tons of money to invest in R&D. Of course we'll cut you in as a consultant.

9:01 PM  

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