Sunday, April 23, 2006

Dear John:

It's been over a quarter century since John Lennon was felled in front of the Dakota Hotel in New York City. I remember thinking, selfishly, "Shit! There goes any chance of having a Beatles reunion", having missed them when they played Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto.

Now it appears Mr. Lennon has put in an ectoplasmic appearance during a seance held at one of his favourite "haunts" in the Big Apple. And you, dear consumer, can watch it all on TV for the meagre sum of $20.16 CDN. The disembodied voice of the former Beatle has been captured on a tape recorder via Electronic Voice Phenomenon during a channeling session, but what he had to say is tightly under wraps until broadcast, understandable enough because it is hard to sell absolute shit.

But if Lennon's still floating around the ether somewhere, there are a few questions I would like to ask:
  1. Did you write Only Women Bleed and Women Are The Niggers Of The World because Yoko wasn't going to give any unless you did?
  2. During your bed-in for peace at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Montreal, were you actually composing "Give me, please, an advance" when someone suggested an alternate, less mercenary title?
  3. True or false? Norwegian Wood is about a fir-carved phallus.
  4. Did you ever dress up in drag with J. Edgar Hoover, and you were the mommy?
I'm sure you can come up with more questions. Just send along $100 per question (supplementary questions at the low, low bargain rate of $85) and I'll invoke my medium skills and email you back John's personal response to your queries. Act now, this is a limited time offer.


Blogger Fuff said...

I'm afraid I can't think of anything I'd like to ask him, despite the bargain rate. Your mention of a limited time offer has got me thinking about placemats now.

8:36 AM  
Anonymous Nunya said...

Ooooooooo you said the "N" word, I'm teeeeeeeellllllliiiiiiinnnnggggggg!

And no, you can't have $100 of my money, damnit. I'd rather spend that on a pair of Nike's sneakers with the words from "Imagine" written on them (they really do make them!).

9:47 AM  
Blogger fairscape said...

Oh for craps sake Nanuk...Let it be...

10:11 AM  
Blogger marty said...

I would ask him if he was blindfolded every time he had sex w/Yoko.

10:19 AM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Do you wish Chapman would have aimed two inches to the right?

Why with all your cash, why would you marry a woman that looks like a deranged Rhesus monkey?

What posessed you to allow Yoko to sing (using the term "sing" loosely) on any albums?

12:29 PM  
Blogger Tea and Books, etc said...

ROTFLMAO, Nanuk! And you, too, PK.

4:02 PM  
Anonymous John Lennon said...

HuH! eeeee... WHAT! I'M DEAD? SHIT!

5:13 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Paul was my favorite Beatle. When he dies, I'll get back to you.

7:43 PM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

Sorry Fab, but Paul has clearly lost his mind. Apparently, these days he lets his blonde bimbo trophy wife do his thinking for him. Which would explain him being filmed by international media crews, 1,000 miles southwest of where he said he was, endangering poor, helpless seal pups as a way of protesting a practice that was banned 20 years ago and, as brutal as it was, was still more humane than contaminating a baby so the mother would abandon it to starve to death because it smelled like a human.

If I could ask questions of Lennon, they would include:

Did Ringo's mother have any children who could sing?

Did Yoko's?

Do you really think any of us needed to see you, never mind Yoko, naked?

Do you know how many people stuck pins in their eyes after viewing the "Two Virgins" cover?

But I wouldn't pay $100 for any of 'em.

11:06 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

I'm having trouble uploading my next post. Is anyone else experiencing the dame problems?

I knew I should have known better than taking on the malevolent spirit of John Lennon.

10:19 AM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

I thought all men experienced the dame problems.

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY!
» »

7:20 AM  

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