2006 - April through June

April 2006

• April 1 - The National Crime Squad and the National Criminal Intelligence Service merge to form the Serious Organized Crime Agency in the UK. Non-committal gangs and sloppy crime families told to "get their shit together" by the head of New Scotland Yard.
  
• April 6 - The New Zealand Parliament passes a bill making New Zealand Sign Language the third official language of the nation, in addition to English and Maori. NZSL involves only one finger, and has already been mastered by the twin-Island nation's residents.
  
• April 12 - D12 rapper Proof shot dead in a Detroit nightclub. QED has been named chief suspect in the affair.
  
• April 14 - Berundi lifts a midnight-to-dawn curfew that has been in place for 34 years. Berundian law enforcement officials now resume post-midnight patrols, having wanted to set a good example for the criminal elements over the past three and a half decades.
  
• April 19 - The Bolivian Army frees three ministers taken hostage by local village people in El Mutin, the world's largest iron ore deposit. The hostages were being held at the local YMCA.
  
• April 24 - Pope Benedict IVX has agreed to relax the rules concerning the use of condoms. The Vatican hopes this clears up that pesky problem of leaving priestly DNA evidence behind in behinds.

May 2006

• May 2 - The two thieves who stole Edvard Munch's "The Scream" and "Madonna" were sentenced to four and eight year's confinement respectively. Their claim that they were using the famous works of art to prove that the Holy Grail was contained in a herring can sunk in Trondheim Fjord fell on deaf ears.
  
• May 5 - The Chinese government has made artificial rain to wash dust left by sandstorms in Beijing. Sino-Bureaucrats are now left with the conundrum of what to do with 10s of 1,000s of kilometres of garden hose connected to the Three Gorges Dam.
  
• May 8 - Apple Computers wins a case brought against it by Apple Corp. (The Beatles recording company) for contract infringment. Apparently, Apple Corp. lawyers had contended that the Fab Four had backward-masked the words "Buy an iPod" in Helter Skelter.
  
• May 11 - A rare polar bear/grizzly bear hybrid was found in Canada's Northwest Territories. Excitement reigns supreme in Arizona.
  
• May 14 - A record 3 women were killed by alligators in Florida in 3 separate attacks. A "Take Back the Swamps" campaign is being organized by the American National Organization for Women.
  
• May 19 - The US Senate passes a bill declaring English as the "National Language" of the United States. A $US5 B budget has been earmarked to provide remedial course to teach Americans how to write and spell.
  
• May 20 - Finnish heavy metal quartet Lordi wins the Eurovision song contest with "Hard Rock Halleleujah". Damien Rice dissolves into a puddle of tears.

June 2006

• June 2 - The great-grandson of famed warrior Geronimo has asked president George W. Bush to intervene with the Skull and Bones secret society of Harvard to return his ancestor's remains. Montgomery Burns vows to keep the historic artifacts for possible transplants.
  
• June 6 - A remake of the cult horror film "The Omen" opened worldwide on 06/06/06. This film managed to rake in $666 dollars during its first week in general release.
  
• June 8 - Scientists have discovered 3 new letters on the ancient Greek navigational device, the Antikythera Mechanism, thought to be the oldest analog computer in the world. Microsoft works hard to issue a new security patch to counter any possible virus threats to Windows XP.
• June 23 - Saddam Hussein ends his one meal hunger strike in protest over the assasssination of one of his lawyers. The American Bar Association moves quickly to prevent the publishing of the Hussein Diet.
• June 27 - A motion in support of an anti-desecration bill protecting the American flag failed to pass in the Senate by one vote. Marketers still free to prostitute the Stars and Stripes in their advertising.

Tune in tomorrow for another thrilling installment of 2006 - The Year in Review. That is, if my cold doesn't worsten.