Wednesday, December 27, 2006

2006 - The Year in Review

It's about the time of year when pundits of all persuasions enlighten us members of the masses with their esteemed opinions as to the truly newsworthy events of the year passing. We are no doubt doomed to hear these egotistical blowhards weigh forth with the obvious nominations of notable news items, what with the war in Iraq, the Democrat wins in both houses of the US Congress, the genocide in Darfur, global warming and other banalities.

We here at the White Bear's Blog have decided to dig deep, deep into the current events files of the last twelve months with an eye to seize upon the truly important moments whose import will no doubt reverberate for years to come in the space time continuum. So without further ado here is Nanuk's pick of the news feeds from 2006.

January 2006
  • January 9 - Howard Stern begins to broadcasting with Sirius satellite radio after 30 years of terrestrial broadcasts. SETI reports Stern's banter "will definitely NOT interfere with our on-going search for intelligent life in the universe".
  • January 12 - 362 pilgrims are crushed to death during the "Stoning the Devil" during the Haj. Souvenir vendors did a brisk trade selling "My husband stoned the devil and lived, and all he brought back for me was this stupid burka" burkas.
  • January 15 - Tony Blair grants new powers to spy on Members of Parliament. Live feed can be found on www.espionageloo.com. Three-day trial membership £ 3.99.
  • January 18 - Two people who attempted to extort restaurant chain Wendy's by placing a severed human finger in a bowl of chili are sentenced to 10 years in prison. The actual charge was causing indignity to a human digit.
  • January 20 - A whale is observed swimming upstream in the River Thames past the Houses of Parliament. Tony Blair goes in for the krill.
  • January 31 - Cindy Sheehan was arrested in Washington for refusing to cover up her T-shirt protesting American involvement in the war in Iraq. Pamela Anderson's T-shirt promoting the decriminalization of torture on American soil considered an acceptable exercise of her First Amendment rights.
February 2006
  • February 4 - A stampede an outdoor complex in the Phillipines resulted in the death of 73 spectators. They had gathered to watch newsreels reporting on the Stoning of the Devil trampling in Mecca the previous month.
  • February 7 - Scotland institutes a DNA database of individuals who have been acquitted or had charges dropped. The sheep of Scotland will sleep more soundly now.
  • February 10 - NHL superstar Wayne Gretzky denies having placed any bets with illegal gambling operations. In an unrelated story he moved the Phoenix Coyotes to Las Vegas.
  • February 11 - Harry Wittington accidentally shot by US Veep Dick Cheney while hunting. Cheney apologizes, and blames the liberal media for inevitably characterizing him as Elmer Fudd, rather than Yosemite Sam.
  • February 12 - 27 inches of snow fall on the American eastern seaboard, paralyzing New York City, and knocking out power in Washington DC. Gothamites treated to the rare sight of hookers on snowshoes.
  • February 25 - A New York City funeral home is charged with supplying a New Jersey company with 12,000 body parts harvested from corpses. The body parts were a total right-off since the corpses were planted either too deep or too close together.
  • February 26 - The world population hits 6.5 billion. The effect of 130 billion exhalations a minute accelerates global warming.
March 2006
  • March 2 - Artifacts, including ovens and artisian workshops, were uncovered in Iran dating back to the 7th century BCE. Bush cites this as further evidence of Iran's early nuclear intentions.
  • March 8 - The Channel Island of Sark voted to maintain its feudal system of government. The European Union accused of vassal-ating on the issue.
  • March 11 - James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" became the first British song to top the Billboard Top 100 Hits since Elton John's "Candle in the Wind". Proof positive Americans only like gay Brits.
  • March 13 - British PM Tony Blair under fire for handing out honours to financial backers of the Labour Government. Conservative parliamentarians call for an immediate return to providing sexual favours to supporters.
  • March 22 - Russian president Vladimir Putin visits the Shaolin Temple during a diplomatic trip to China. Unfortunately, Putin is stuck there until he can snatch a pebble from Hu Jintao's hand.
  • March 25 - Canada's annual seal hunt begins off the east coast of the country. Sir Paul McCartney is angered by his wife Heather Mills phoquing around too much on the ice floes.
  • March 30 - Feleti Sevele becomes the first non-noble Prime Minister of Tonga. All his predecessors were royally pissed off.
Tune in tomorrow for highlights from the second quarter of 2006.

4 Comments:

Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Wow, Gerald Ford just made it under the wire as an '06 event. This may be his most notable accompishment.

Happy New Years, nanuk!!

11:38 PM  
Blogger DutchBitch said...

Why doesn't anything substantial ever happen on February 27? Just asking...

3:34 AM  
Blogger Fuff said...

LOL! I for one can't wait to get 2006 over with.

2:37 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Found this in the news today, hope it wasn't part of your neighborhood!!

"A chunk of ice bigger than the area of Manhattan broke from an ice shelf in Canada's far north and could wreak havoc if it starts to float westward toward oil-drilling regions and shipping lanes next summer, a researcher said on Friday."

4:26 AM  

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