Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Valentine's Day Cynic

Long ago I learned I could never be right when buying my significant other any present. This has been doubly true concerning Valentine's Day presents, where my track record has been anything but stellar. Here's a short list of presents which have wet-farted right back into my face:
  • an iron because she had recently trashed the previous one - iron your own fucking shirts!
  • an embroidered sweater - don't you know I don't wear red?
  • her favourite wine - what made you buy this shit?
  • a (cheap, I admit it) diamond-encrusted heart pendant - who'd you fuck now?
  • a vibrator - is it used, little man?
  • a k.d. lang CD - right, like I want to listen to that dike tonight, eh? Why don't I phone my sister so she can join us.
  • 13 long-stemmed roses - how original!
I even sent her on a diversionary shopping trip so I could secretly prepare a special romantic dinner (Steak Diane with homemade sherbet), but when she returned she told me she had just scoffed a couple of Big Macs and the smell of my cooking was making her sick.

I just can't win. And there's no pleasing her. So, I have resolved henceforth to buy her no gift that I couldn't use myself if she turned her nose up at it. Here's what I've thought of so far:
  • 450-piece Mastercraft tool collection complete with chest - but I thought you said you couldn't find the screwdrivers to fix the sewing machine.
  • new set of Ping golf clubs - ya know, hon, we really need to share a hobby
  • membership in the Single-malt Scotch of the Month Club - you mean it wasn't you who keeps on finishing off my Laphroaig?
  • jacuzzi - just think of the romantic moments I, erm, I mean we can have in it
  • indoor gardening kit - Didn't you tell me this house needed more life? (at least I could start a grow-op with it)
And if all else fails,
  • new rope for a clothes line - (c'mon guys - you should be getting good at this by now)
Any other ideas?

5 Comments:

Blogger Belle said...

LMAO at the wet fart comment! You need to ask another woman for help, that's the key. I'm not so sure she's gonna' dig what you want, either, lol.

Thanks for linking me! I like being on top, heh. Consider yourself linked, as well!

11:57 AM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Much obliged! I took out the "the" in your blogname just so it would come in at the top of the alphabetical list.

12:18 PM  
Blogger rathwel said...

Don't look at me for any ideas. My track record for buying gifts on any occasion is absolutely dismal.

4:12 PM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

If those are the kind of responses you get to gifts (all of which sound perfectly reasonable to me)I think my next gift to her would be a divorce*. (or the equivalent if you're not living the "blesses" state of holy matrimony)

*I take this all back if this is tongue-in-cheek. Admittedly, I've not been reading your blog long so may have missed an in-joke.

I think I'll be going now...

11:11 AM  
Blogger L said...

I agree with the wrath of dawn-- I hope that's tongue in cheek :o

6:07 PM  

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