Monday, February 13, 2006

The Wind

North of the tree line there are (naturally enough) no trees to slow down the wind. So we get blasted on a perpetual basis. Not ocean breezes wafting through palm trees, not cooling zephyrs, not even winds strong enough to blow your unraked leaves onto the neighbour’s pristine lawn: in the Arctic we are talking about meteorological conditions that range from the simply intolerable to Judgment Day force.

I can fully appreciate why the ancient Greeks personified the winds. They are malevolent, daemonically-inspired forces of nature and I hate them. When the glorious revolution arrives I will make sure all the winds are the first to get lined up against the wall, made to appear in corporeal form and then mown down with extreme prejudice.

But being a man known for his sense of fair play and balanced journalism, and a bear interested in Marx/Engles dialectical materialistic analyses, I now present to you, dear reader, a list of the charges and rebuttals in the case of Nanuk vs. The Wind.

Wind Crimes:
  1. Makes it very difficult to light your smokes unless you have one of those poncy peizo-electric lighters
  2. Finds that gap between your collar and your neck and makes you feel like shit the next day
  3. Makes the house rock and roll - just what you need on the morning after
  4. Steals your baseball cap. Why I’m so hung up on this I’ll never know, but it just isn’t right
  5. Spreads dirt and grit everywhere, especially in your teeth. Lesson: never smile.
  6. Blow-back issue when pissing outside. Don’t believe that crap about turning your back to the wind when micturating – the turbulence is going to get you
  7. You can’t threaten it, hit it, kick it, shoot at it – shit, you can’t even curse it properly since the wind runs away with your words
  8. When the wind blows 50 knots, makes it too easy to walk to work, and very tedious to return home
  9. Ties your hair in Gordian knots, especially when you haven’t shampooed for a few weeks
  10. Nanuk’s equation: High winds = no airplanes = no cargo = no joy
  11. My fucking neighbour and his wind chimes – enough said. My only hope is that they will drive him to madness faster than me
  12. The ultimate indictment: reduces your satellite dish to a twisted tribute to the degree to which the wind hates me, and screws with the Internet feed
Mitigating Circumstances:
  1. Disperses fart odors very rapidly
  2. Blows snow over the dog shit you were too lazy to shovel up
  3. The glee you experience when you see that one of your neighbours didn’t close up their shack and it blew up
  4. What’s the word for jetsam caused by wind? – simply put, lots of other people’s goodies blown your way sometimes

So, dear readers, after carefully considering this case, please be my jurors. Weigh all the evidence and let me know your conclusion. Remember: nature is a bitch most of the time and needs to be chained and pimp-slapped.


Blogger Belle said...

#6, nice. LOL! You're a riot!

12:00 PM  

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