Tuesday, May 09, 2006

There's a Lesson in Here Somewhere

In my home town we have a LOT of dogs, mostly loose, usually friendly, but completely and utterly shameless.

Twice a year the females go into heat, and the town turns into a massive orgy of unbridled dog sex. On every street corner, in every yard, even under the houses the canine population of my village indulges vigourously in the pursuit of making more puppies.

Now I don't very much mind the actual sex part: it's usually over and done with in under a minute, and that is something I can identify with. It's the aftermath which disturbs me on a number of levels.

For those of you who haven't witnessed it, the two dogs in question become locked together for a considerable time. And they don't get stuck facing the same direction, but, as if struck by shame, stand opposed 180 degrees from each other with confused looks on their faces, barely acknowledging each other's presence. From time to time the female will nip at the male in a vain attempt to get him to move on and get about his normal doggy business. But nature has to run its course, and it will take a good five minutes before they are able to extricate themselves from this ignonimious circumstance.

Conventional wisdom has it that if you throw a bucket of water on them, they'll break free. My advice - don't. I once had a 30 lb labrador mix who got stuck in a 75 lb huskie. Inevitably, he got lodged in the female, and I began to worry about the jealous male dogs which started to circle him in his vulnerable condition in a very menacing manner. So I filled up a bucket with cold water and throw it at the connected canines. Well, the female took off across the snow, dragging my hapless dog on his back by his penis for at least a 100 metres before he finally became free.

But I digress - I'm just wondering what goes through a dog's mind when glued to another in this manner. They don't have the option of rolling over and falling asleep like all decent humans do, so they must be thinking of something.

I wonder what it is?


Blogger fairscape said...


Baseball statistics?

1:57 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

"Thank Gawd I don't have to smell his/her breath!"

2:38 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

I know exactly what he's thinking -"Damn that hurts!!" Puttin' a twist on the ol' weiner is going to hurt no matter what spieces you are. Hell, I know just accidentally stepping on mine from time to time hurts

7:23 PM  
Blogger Eternally Curious said...

She: Oh sure...pretend like you're stuck...oldest trick in the book!

He: Dang, girl...if it's this crowded for just us, how're you gonna fit a coupla pups in there?

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Blair Bitch said...

Ew. The penis gets stuck?!

5:52 AM  
Blogger nanuk said...

Fairscape: not too likely. Ever since they introduced artificial turf it seems that dogs have been turned off baseball.

Anna: but I'm sure to canines dog breath is a turn-on. The funkier the smell, the more attractive it is.

TPK: It makes me wince too. But strangely enough it seems to be the female who complains the most. The male just stands there with a dumb expression on his face.

Eternally Curious: LOL.

Blair Bitch: not only stuck, but twisted backwards 180 degrees. Then it becomes a tug of war as they paw in opposite directions.

6:13 AM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

The male is probably hoping he doens;t get stuck with the tab for dinner after...

Another advantage - none of that cuddling bullshit.

If it wasn't for the headbutting crap (which looks like it really, really hurts) I would say the Elk have the best philosiphy. Round up a bunch of women, do your thing then it's off with the boys to brag and drink until next Fall. Ok, only getting laid once a year probably sucks too...

6:34 AM  
Blogger mummified said...

laughed so hard reading this that I wsa reduced to snorty giggles. Dragged hubby in and he rolled about laughing too. good work.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Tea and Books, etc said...

The two: "What the heck just happened?"

7:33 PM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

How much they want a cigarette?

9:13 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Dogs are too smart to smoke.

11:47 PM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...


9:32 PM  
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