Friday, March 24, 2006

Walrus Penis Envy


During my recently-terminated 7-day stranding I had three obsessions - the weather back home, the ever-changing flight schedule, and walrus cocks. Since I am now safely arrived back home, the subject for today's post will be walrus dorkage.

What intrigues me is that walruses, at least male walruses, have an extremely hard bone running the length of their penises which, in effect, keeps them perpetually ready for action. Called a baculum, this bone is present in most mammals, except for humans, kangaroos, rabbits and hyenas, making penile reinforcement nature's rule rather than exception.

The walrus baculum, or usuuk in the eastern arctic dialects of Inuttitut, can be carved or scrimshawed into Inuit art. Preferably when the walrus is dead. And since walruses have a whopper in the phallus department, their baculae can be well over two feet in length.

It all seems so unfair! Walruses mate only during winter (in the water), so why do their cocks have to be erect all year round? We human males, on the other hand, at least think about sex 24/7/365 but have to rely on blood pressure to stand at attention. And believe me mileage does vary.

A recent interpretation of the Book of Genesis has postulated that Adam's rib, taken from the first man in order to create womankind, was actually his penile bone. The proponents of this theory note that biblical Hebrew does not have a word for penis, and point to the fact that both males and females of the human species have the same number of ribs.

From my point of view, this primal "bone" transplant is a greater punishment than banishment from Eden. And to add insult to injury, He gave us males superfluous nipples. But just imagine the potential if we only had a bone!

But I digress. My final thought on the walrus penis is to relate to you an Inuit joke. [You will have to turn to the "Comments" to get the answer.]

Why do walruses need to have a bone in their penises?

14 Comments:

Blogger nanuk said...

The answer:

BECAUSE THEIR WIVES ARE SO UGLY!

8:20 AM  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

Tsk, tsk!

I have a question. Where would one go to meet these walruses...

Mwa hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

4:20 PM  
Blogger Belle said...

Those walruses can keep their large cockaroos. When I'm getting "boned" (ha ha) I don't want it coming out my eye.

6:50 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

WoD: to meet the walrus of your dreams, you just have to come up here, go out on the water and follow your nose. Although I've never experienced it, you can apparently smell them 10 miles away. I just asked Mrs. Nanuk what they smelled like, and she looked at me in that way she has when I ask a stupid question, and said "Like walruses".

Belle: Good to have you back! I am not jealous of the walrus's proportions, it's the bone which makes me feel that nature has played a cruel joke on humans. Mind you, every male walking around with a perpetual hard-on tenting up our dungarees is an image I am quickly erasing from my mind.

7:24 PM  
Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

I see those tusks all I can think is scrimshaw

10:50 PM  
Blogger Tea and Books, etc said...

OUCH!

Must be painful for them to slither around the ice floes.

2:11 PM  
Blogger nanuk said...

T&Betc.: I haven't studied the matter close up, but I believe the walrus's carriage would keep his penis off the ice. His balls, however, must be dragging anchor, if you catch my drift.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Tea and Books, etc said...

And again, I say ouch!

Do seals' carriages really lift them far enough above ground in that area? From what very little I've seen of them, it seems their upper torsos are clear but the lower ends drag away. I must examine this more closely... from the other side of the zoo enclosure.

Eeek.

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just thought I might add. The rib is the only bone that is able to regenerate itself completely. I was thinking the whole "why dont we have a missing rib" thing until i heard about that. Also, you know how annoying it would be to be erect all the time. I guess if everyone had it thought it would be weird anymore

4:29 AM  
Anonymous terry said...

I think Freud considered this realization a defining moment in the development of gender and sexual identity for women
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3:47 AM  
Anonymous Rob G. said...

The question: Why do walruses need to have a bone in their penises?

The answer: Because the arctic winters (and summers) are so cold!

(It would also prevent heat loss through the member if erection was accomplished with just lots of blood in it.)

9:00 AM  
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